Finally Un-Stuck

This has truly been a case of art imitating life, or is it life imitating art. I was stuck for over a week on where to go from the flames. This so aptly paralleled my life that I finally just started laughing at the whole situation. And I always find that once I can laugh at life and myself, my heart eases and I can breath again, find my footing and start moving forward.

The flames in my life really hurt this week. One friendship has become immensely challenging and another took a strange detour and the pain and confusion of this was very tough to deal with. I sat stuck in it for days, and found at the same time I couldn't move forward on my July piece. I looked at them both, my life and my art, and had no idea where to go next. I decided to walk away from all the problems for a few days and just let everything ease up somewhat. I also decided to see if I could bring my project to my dreams and see where I might head with it next. Nothing came in the dreams but the next day I saw another picture in my mind and knew where I was going next.

I rarely if ever use hearts in anything I do, but I am putting a heart in the background of the flames and it just feels right. The flames are cleansing and healing the pain in my heart. They are change and growth and healing, buring away anger, self-doubt, judgement and all the other negative thoughts my ego keeps reliving. The flames clear a space for love, self-care, confidence, patience with myself and others and joy. My heart feels lighter and freer and I can again hear that soft voice that is my spirit, talking of love.

July Progress

I finally made some time to sit down and rough out the flames I talked about last post. They did not come out exactly as I had them pictured in my mind, but I can live with it :) I do not know where I am heading next, and actually can't wait to see where I end up going.

This has been an extremely challenging week for me and a rather tough weekend. A lot of changes have occurred in my life and my relationships in just the last 48 hours and I am still processing it yet it becomes clearer that flames are very appropriate for this time in my life. They are burning away parts that are no longer serving me. The analogy definitely applies here as the pain of the burn has quite taken my breath away lately, but I know this will clear a space for other relationships to enter my life and provide a great opportunity for new growth. I sit here taking a few deep, cleansing breaths and set the intention to surrender to this experience, allowing it to be a beautiful opportunity for growth along my spiritual path. So be it.

Random Thoughts

On my commute into work today I was thinking about my July page. I have picked out materials and colors yet did not work on it at all this weekend. I was playing with some bead stringing, using different materials I normally do not work with and it was a lot of fun. I actually made a couple necklaces for myself, which I rarely do.

LOL! ok back from that little digression....anyway, in the car, I was picturing the brilliant reds, oranges and yellows I had selected for July and I was thinking originally in terms of flowers, blooming etc. yet this morning, they had morphed into flames. I think this is because I have been surrounded by angry people lately, both at work and in my personal life. So I started wondering why I have been drawing this in, what am I to learn from observing others around me sit with unexpressed anger that comes out in little jibes or sullen silences. That lead to thoughts that we tend to be reflections of one another. So I went deep within myself to see where I might have some unexpressed anger, some resentment or something I have not forgiven myself or others for. This is never a very comfortable exploration, yet is always freeing when done with an open heart and lack of self-judgement.

What I realized is that I tend to over-give, to be the peace keeper, appeasing everyone for the illusion of peace, instead of speaking my truth, standing tall in my beliefs and trusting in myself. With that recognition, I see clearly how I end up resentful. Yet I am the only one doing this to myself. No one is holding a gun to my head saying to sacrifice myself for everyone else. I am choosing to do so. Doesn't it always come down to that? No one can make me do anything I don't choose to do, and it is now time to choose something different.

I choose to take care of myself first; to be true to who I am and what I believe, to allow those I love to have their feelings freely and not rush in to "fix" things that are not mine to fix, to realize that the only thing I have any control over is my reaction to situations and let the illusion of control fade away, to love myself unconditionally and allow that love to flow outwards to all I encounter. With that intention set, I am going to start my piece tonite with the flames I have envisioned and see where they take me. I am feeling them as burning away the illusions I have bought into and bringing forth a new understanding, a rebirth, not unlike the Pheonix.

Trilly

Whew......

I finished my piece last night. I have not made a final decision as to whether it will become a page in a book or a part of a wall hanging, so for now, it is stored lovingly in a beautiful box. I am very happy to be finished with this piece so I can begin the July project, which has been floating around in my mind for over a week already. I even saw part of it in a meditation last week and have been so excited to start, but holding myself to completing June first.

I am still struggling with wanting to fix the little imperfections I see, and rethink this bead or that bead, but am holding myself to letting it develop as it is. I keep reminding myself this is such a different project from anything else I have tried, and there is nothing it HAS to be, it just is.

The more I sat and looked at it last night, the more that sunk in. I started to see what this project meant for me, especially in the balance between light and dark that played out with the moon and the sun. Everything always comes down to finding a balance and that has been on my mind so much recently that it shouldn't surprise me to see it in the beads. Duality plays out in so many ways and yet we are always simply where we are. We have this moment and one choice after another. We can choose light or we can choose dark or anywhere in between, yet we are only at one place in between the poles every moment. I find that I bring drama and confusion into my life when I forget that simple idea and start to buy into the illusion that I am good or bad, that I am right or wrong, that something is beautiful or ugly.....forgetting that I just am. I am.