Random Thoughts

On my commute into work today I was thinking about my July page. I have picked out materials and colors yet did not work on it at all this weekend. I was playing with some bead stringing, using different materials I normally do not work with and it was a lot of fun. I actually made a couple necklaces for myself, which I rarely do.

LOL! ok back from that little digression....anyway, in the car, I was picturing the brilliant reds, oranges and yellows I had selected for July and I was thinking originally in terms of flowers, blooming etc. yet this morning, they had morphed into flames. I think this is because I have been surrounded by angry people lately, both at work and in my personal life. So I started wondering why I have been drawing this in, what am I to learn from observing others around me sit with unexpressed anger that comes out in little jibes or sullen silences. That lead to thoughts that we tend to be reflections of one another. So I went deep within myself to see where I might have some unexpressed anger, some resentment or something I have not forgiven myself or others for. This is never a very comfortable exploration, yet is always freeing when done with an open heart and lack of self-judgement.

What I realized is that I tend to over-give, to be the peace keeper, appeasing everyone for the illusion of peace, instead of speaking my truth, standing tall in my beliefs and trusting in myself. With that recognition, I see clearly how I end up resentful. Yet I am the only one doing this to myself. No one is holding a gun to my head saying to sacrifice myself for everyone else. I am choosing to do so. Doesn't it always come down to that? No one can make me do anything I don't choose to do, and it is now time to choose something different.

I choose to take care of myself first; to be true to who I am and what I believe, to allow those I love to have their feelings freely and not rush in to "fix" things that are not mine to fix, to realize that the only thing I have any control over is my reaction to situations and let the illusion of control fade away, to love myself unconditionally and allow that love to flow outwards to all I encounter. With that intention set, I am going to start my piece tonite with the flames I have envisioned and see where they take me. I am feeling them as burning away the illusions I have bought into and bringing forth a new understanding, a rebirth, not unlike the Pheonix.

Trilly