Finally Un-Stuck

This has truly been a case of art imitating life, or is it life imitating art. I was stuck for over a week on where to go from the flames. This so aptly paralleled my life that I finally just started laughing at the whole situation. And I always find that once I can laugh at life and myself, my heart eases and I can breath again, find my footing and start moving forward.

The flames in my life really hurt this week. One friendship has become immensely challenging and another took a strange detour and the pain and confusion of this was very tough to deal with. I sat stuck in it for days, and found at the same time I couldn't move forward on my July piece. I looked at them both, my life and my art, and had no idea where to go next. I decided to walk away from all the problems for a few days and just let everything ease up somewhat. I also decided to see if I could bring my project to my dreams and see where I might head with it next. Nothing came in the dreams but the next day I saw another picture in my mind and knew where I was going next.

I rarely if ever use hearts in anything I do, but I am putting a heart in the background of the flames and it just feels right. The flames are cleansing and healing the pain in my heart. They are change and growth and healing, buring away anger, self-doubt, judgement and all the other negative thoughts my ego keeps reliving. The flames clear a space for love, self-care, confidence, patience with myself and others and joy. My heart feels lighter and freer and I can again hear that soft voice that is my spirit, talking of love.

July Progress

I finally made some time to sit down and rough out the flames I talked about last post. They did not come out exactly as I had them pictured in my mind, but I can live with it :) I do not know where I am heading next, and actually can't wait to see where I end up going.

This has been an extremely challenging week for me and a rather tough weekend. A lot of changes have occurred in my life and my relationships in just the last 48 hours and I am still processing it yet it becomes clearer that flames are very appropriate for this time in my life. They are burning away parts that are no longer serving me. The analogy definitely applies here as the pain of the burn has quite taken my breath away lately, but I know this will clear a space for other relationships to enter my life and provide a great opportunity for new growth. I sit here taking a few deep, cleansing breaths and set the intention to surrender to this experience, allowing it to be a beautiful opportunity for growth along my spiritual path. So be it.

Random Thoughts

On my commute into work today I was thinking about my July page. I have picked out materials and colors yet did not work on it at all this weekend. I was playing with some bead stringing, using different materials I normally do not work with and it was a lot of fun. I actually made a couple necklaces for myself, which I rarely do.

LOL! ok back from that little digression....anyway, in the car, I was picturing the brilliant reds, oranges and yellows I had selected for July and I was thinking originally in terms of flowers, blooming etc. yet this morning, they had morphed into flames. I think this is because I have been surrounded by angry people lately, both at work and in my personal life. So I started wondering why I have been drawing this in, what am I to learn from observing others around me sit with unexpressed anger that comes out in little jibes or sullen silences. That lead to thoughts that we tend to be reflections of one another. So I went deep within myself to see where I might have some unexpressed anger, some resentment or something I have not forgiven myself or others for. This is never a very comfortable exploration, yet is always freeing when done with an open heart and lack of self-judgement.

What I realized is that I tend to over-give, to be the peace keeper, appeasing everyone for the illusion of peace, instead of speaking my truth, standing tall in my beliefs and trusting in myself. With that recognition, I see clearly how I end up resentful. Yet I am the only one doing this to myself. No one is holding a gun to my head saying to sacrifice myself for everyone else. I am choosing to do so. Doesn't it always come down to that? No one can make me do anything I don't choose to do, and it is now time to choose something different.

I choose to take care of myself first; to be true to who I am and what I believe, to allow those I love to have their feelings freely and not rush in to "fix" things that are not mine to fix, to realize that the only thing I have any control over is my reaction to situations and let the illusion of control fade away, to love myself unconditionally and allow that love to flow outwards to all I encounter. With that intention set, I am going to start my piece tonite with the flames I have envisioned and see where they take me. I am feeling them as burning away the illusions I have bought into and bringing forth a new understanding, a rebirth, not unlike the Pheonix.

Trilly

Whew......

I finished my piece last night. I have not made a final decision as to whether it will become a page in a book or a part of a wall hanging, so for now, it is stored lovingly in a beautiful box. I am very happy to be finished with this piece so I can begin the July project, which has been floating around in my mind for over a week already. I even saw part of it in a meditation last week and have been so excited to start, but holding myself to completing June first.

I am still struggling with wanting to fix the little imperfections I see, and rethink this bead or that bead, but am holding myself to letting it develop as it is. I keep reminding myself this is such a different project from anything else I have tried, and there is nothing it HAS to be, it just is.

The more I sat and looked at it last night, the more that sunk in. I started to see what this project meant for me, especially in the balance between light and dark that played out with the moon and the sun. Everything always comes down to finding a balance and that has been on my mind so much recently that it shouldn't surprise me to see it in the beads. Duality plays out in so many ways and yet we are always simply where we are. We have this moment and one choice after another. We can choose light or we can choose dark or anywhere in between, yet we are only at one place in between the poles every moment. I find that I bring drama and confusion into my life when I forget that simple idea and start to buy into the illusion that I am good or bad, that I am right or wrong, that something is beautiful or ugly.....forgetting that I just am. I am.

June Work in Progress

Well here is the work to date.... took me awhile to get the picture taken and now posted, but I did it :) Still a bit more to do, but working on it steadily. I have been struggling a bit with everything not being perfect, but am constantly reminding myself that this is my first attempt and doesn't have to be perfect lol.

I am quite nervous about posting a picture, but I look at this as part of the challenge and the journey.

Where has the time gone?

That was the question I asked myself this weekend. The month is almost over and I am about half way done with my first page. I am enjoying the time I have spent working on this so far, and wishing I had more time available to devote to it right now. I finally decided on a size, mainly because it is what the work I have done so far suggested, ending up with a 4 1/2 inch square. I have also been sticking with just seeing where the page leads me, instead of planning it out. I believe that has been the most challenging part of the project so far.

I started the project with a thought of what this journal page was going to be about and I am finding that although it has helped me to look at one particular issue in my life, it has grown to be so much more. I have found myself inspired to start writing again and have decided that I will be putting a poem or journal entry on the back of each page that is inspired by the completed piece. I am making myself wait until the piece is complete to write, but the words are already echoing in my head and heart and it feels so good to be creating in this way. It has also been freeing in terms of my self-confidence and love for myself. I found this really came out last week when the group I belly dance with had a hafla and I had the most fun I have ever had just improvising a dance and letting it flow from my heart with no worries about how I looked, or was the technique perfect, all the usual tapes running through my head. It was simply being in the moment, feeling the music and letting it out.....in exactly the same way the beads have been inspiring me to just let them be free without constraint or plan.

I also took some time out on Saturday and took a class from a fellow journal project member and I loved it. It was the first time I had taken a beading class and I really loved it. I made a pretty little necklace that I actually went home and finished over the weekend and am happily wearing today :) It was also so much fun to sit and work and talk with other bead enthusiasts and share ideas and thoughts and just be in a supportive, creative atmosphere.

Well back to work for now, counting the hours until I get home tonite and can play some more. The beads are calling :)

At the beginning....

I started my project two nights ago and am really enjoying myself so far. In the previous days I had had a number of ideas and thoughts and themes running through my head, but it wasn't until I sat down to begin that I truly knew what my inspiration would be. That hit me as I found a pendant I had been holding onto for awhile and realized it was very symbolic of the challenges of the last few weeks. I struggled a bit in actually deciding to use it for the project, but once I had it attached to my cloth, it just felt right.

This is actually quite challenging in that I am not working from a pattern, nor have an outcome pictured in my mind. I have never worked this way before yet I am enjoying it. The really fun part last night was as I was just putting come curved lines down, I saw a shape emerging and want to follow that out now. I am just loving the freedom of not having to be perfect, of letting my imagination and creativity flow without boundaries or even definition.

My boyfriend is out of town this weekend and another friend I bead with occasionally is alone this weekend as well, and we are planning a day of beads tomorrow and I can't wait. As this will also involve bead swaps (including the game of finding the oddest or strangest bead we have in our collection and requiring a trade and then use of the bead, amid lots of laughter and teasing) and trading of ideas and lots of love and laughter, I am so looking forward to this weekend.

I am planning on posting a progress pic on Sunday, to document this journey in pictures as well as words. I can't wait to see where I head next :)

Trilly